The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize