I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
