You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
