I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
