It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Operation Purity has been aborted
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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