I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
