i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
