I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
