A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Your cock deserves a montage
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
