two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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