Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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