I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i love accidental penises.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
