That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
