i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
