i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
