she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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