Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So. Much. Porn.
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