just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
