I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
