ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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