my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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