Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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