What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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