i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
