i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
