I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
