someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
