Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
