Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
