textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
