u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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