Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
