I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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