If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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