Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
