I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
