nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize