So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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