Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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