the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
