ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
someone owes me an orgasm
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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