Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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