He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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