I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
