My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize