I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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