You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
