Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Randomize