Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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