Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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