Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
