I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
