Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize