dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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