Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
