I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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