Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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